I don't know why but every time I start to write another post, the topic always seems to revert back to my weight issue.  And frankly, I'm sick of it.

It's horrible.  This may be the one thing that I will never be control of that pertains to my own body.  I can control my thoughts, actions, reactions and motives.  But why is it so hard to control my weight?

Will I forever be boiled down to an "emotional eater"?  I really don't want this to rule my life the way it has since I was a kid.  It seems that everyone is slimming down or shaping up.  And yet here I am...still exactly the same.

I don't think I'll keep dying my hair either.  This blonde color on me was fun at first, but the more I look at myself in photos and in the mirror, it's just not me.  I don't want to hide under something that doesn't flatter me.

It's almost as if I just have to get down to 120.  I just have to do it.  If someone where to ask me why, I can honestly say that it will make me happy.  I won't have to worry about comparing myself to other women, I won't have to worry about shopping or breaking a seem or popping off a button.  I won't have to worry about people making fun of me or looking at me odd.

I want God to rule my life, not my weight.  I want Christ to be the center of my world and not my own pride.
Therefore, I need to kill it. I have to kill it and then throw it far away from me.

But how do you kill something like this?  And after that, how do you manage to keep it away from you?

I really need to get this under control.  I can't let this continue.  I have to stop this before my next birthday.

That's it:  My birthday is the deadline.  It's going to be.  I have to change this.  There's no one to blame but myself.

I am going to go running again.  I am going to make time to get my fat butt up and run.

I need to do this for myself.  No one can do it for me.

I just pray to God that He has grants me mercy as I do this...again...hopefully for the very last time.

I keep saying that I'll quit, that I'll never workout again because I'll never reach it, but then something irks me to continue.

I don't know what it is, but there's something that tells me to continue and to get up and try again.

I don't want to compare myself to other women and be jealous of them.  I want to enjoy the beauty that the Lord gave them, not be envious of it.

This will soon seriously kill me.  I need to master over this.