I've recently came back from a party almost an hour ago.

I really didn't want it to end.  It made me realize how very few friends I do have and how the ones that I tried to hold onto the most really weren't.  And tonight, watching Priya and Kristina, the way they acted together, it made me happy and envy their relationship.


I don't think I've ever been THAT close to another female before and that includes Tammy and Sharai.  I know I told Tammy and Sharai everything, but still, there was something missing.


Whatever it was, Priya and Kristina have it and I'd like to witness that as long as they live.


It must be nice; having another female whom you can go to all the time for anything and everything.


I dunno why, but I've tried it, but it get so tiring after awhile.  Maybe I have yet to meet the right girl whom clicks with me.


I've always been more comfortable around guys as friends since I was younger so maybe that's the reason for this.


I think the closest thing to a real "bff" was Lizzy before she moved away.  Seriously, it was like within a month this woman knew me so well and it was like she had known me for years.  It was crazy how well she understood me.


I miss her.
I dearly miss her sometimes to the point of tears.


But I gotta buck up and stay strong and stop being such a sissy.


I'm sorta hoping now that I can connect with the girls in the youth group.  Maybe those girls are the girls that I've been waiting for to appear.  I hope so.  I don't want to continue on relenting female camaraderie.  Cause after awhile I'd get SO tired of it.


Maybe it's because Tammy and Sharai and I had 3 totally dynamic personalities and I couldn't be around them for more than 2 days cause it was just so draining.


I dunno.  I feel so awkward.
Even at the party tonight, I felt a little out of the loop. Even though I understood the jokes and the humor and such, I still felt like I was missing something.


I wish I was around those people more.  My throat is literally dry and a little sore from laughing so hard and so much.  I miss that feeling.


Another thing too that I was so aware of was my stomach and how big and bugly it was and it irritates me of how much I ate.  I know it wasn't the usual bloated amount and it was even more minimal now as it was before, but still, I feel disgusting.


I don't want to get to the point where I'm avoiding food out of a legitimate fear of eating.  I have to eat to live.  I just don't wanna live to eat.