Today I have decided to refuse every date-offer that is thrown at me this year.

I know.
It's rather rash.  But I really do mean it.

The notion dawned on me while I was on the treadmill earlier this afternoon and it got me thinking that I'm just wasting my time.  The chances of me running into "him"....whoever he is....is pretty slim to none considering where I reside and my current daily transportation habits.


Every boy (Yes...boy.  They do not deserve to be called MEN) that I have encountered since Arman and I split is just as disappointing as the last one.  I'm surrounded my immature idiots.


I do not want to date.  I do not want a relationship.  I do not want to fall in love.


For the time being, I've decided to be a recluse--an emotional recluse.
No one is getting my heart.  No one.  They can't have it and I won't give it to them and I won't let anyone ever touch it again.


I've also decided to focus on taking care of myself; mentally, spiritually, physically.  Friendly faces have told me that all I do is care for other people, but in doing so, I have neglected myself.


I can see that they are right.  My health has been effected.  My grades too.  My spiritual walk seems to have been hit the hardest.


Right now, this year serves as a time of healing.


If I am to lose weight for anyone, it's not for another person.  It's going to be for me.
If I am to delve more into my biblical studies, it's going to be for me to learn and re-learn the God that I serve and not to prove or show off anything to anyone.


I just want to start over and that's what 2012 feels like for me--a time of redemption.


I want to be much more physically stronger and faster and agile this year.  I want to absorb as much knowledge as possible; either in college or outside of it. Most importantly, I want to drown in the Lord's steadfast love and hold onto every promise and Word that has been written.


In the meantime, I won't look for my husband.  I won't be looking at another man, in fact, I'll be running away from him.  I don't need to be disappointed again.  I don't need to get my hopes up, to wait with anticipation, only to be betrayed and abandoned and used again.


I'm going to train myself into becoming the right woman before I ever meet the right man.