About Me

When life knocks you to your knees, remember that you're always in a perfect position to pray.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I don't know why but every time I start to write another post, the topic always seems to revert back to my weight issue.  And frankly, I'm sick of it.

It's horrible.  This may be the one thing that I will never be control of that pertains to my own body.  I can control my thoughts, actions, reactions and motives.  But why is it so hard to control my weight?

Will I forever be boiled down to an "emotional eater"?  I really don't want this to rule my life the way it has since I was a kid.  It seems that everyone is slimming down or shaping up.  And yet here I am...still exactly the same.

I don't think I'll keep dying my hair either.  This blonde color on me was fun at first, but the more I look at myself in photos and in the mirror, it's just not me.  I don't want to hide under something that doesn't flatter me.

It's almost as if I just have to get down to 120.  I just have to do it.  If someone where to ask me why, I can honestly say that it will make me happy.  I won't have to worry about comparing myself to other women, I won't have to worry about shopping or breaking a seem or popping off a button.  I won't have to worry about people making fun of me or looking at me odd.

I want God to rule my life, not my weight.  I want Christ to be the center of my world and not my own pride.
Therefore, I need to kill it. I have to kill it and then throw it far away from me.

But how do you kill something like this?  And after that, how do you manage to keep it away from you?

I really need to get this under control.  I can't let this continue.  I have to stop this before my next birthday.

That's it:  My birthday is the deadline.  It's going to be.  I have to change this.  There's no one to blame but myself.

I am going to go running again.  I am going to make time to get my fat butt up and run.

I need to do this for myself.  No one can do it for me.

I just pray to God that He has grants me mercy as I do this...again...hopefully for the very last time.

I keep saying that I'll quit, that I'll never workout again because I'll never reach it, but then something irks me to continue.

I don't know what it is, but there's something that tells me to continue and to get up and try again.

I don't want to compare myself to other women and be jealous of them.  I want to enjoy the beauty that the Lord gave them, not be envious of it.

This will soon seriously kill me.  I need to master over this.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

I've recently came back from a party almost an hour ago.

I really didn't want it to end.  It made me realize how very few friends I do have and how the ones that I tried to hold onto the most really weren't.  And tonight, watching Priya and Kristina, the way they acted together, it made me happy and envy their relationship.


I don't think I've ever been THAT close to another female before and that includes Tammy and Sharai.  I know I told Tammy and Sharai everything, but still, there was something missing.


Whatever it was, Priya and Kristina have it and I'd like to witness that as long as they live.


It must be nice; having another female whom you can go to all the time for anything and everything.


I dunno why, but I've tried it, but it get so tiring after awhile.  Maybe I have yet to meet the right girl whom clicks with me.


I've always been more comfortable around guys as friends since I was younger so maybe that's the reason for this.


I think the closest thing to a real "bff" was Lizzy before she moved away.  Seriously, it was like within a month this woman knew me so well and it was like she had known me for years.  It was crazy how well she understood me.


I miss her.
I dearly miss her sometimes to the point of tears.


But I gotta buck up and stay strong and stop being such a sissy.


I'm sorta hoping now that I can connect with the girls in the youth group.  Maybe those girls are the girls that I've been waiting for to appear.  I hope so.  I don't want to continue on relenting female camaraderie.  Cause after awhile I'd get SO tired of it.


Maybe it's because Tammy and Sharai and I had 3 totally dynamic personalities and I couldn't be around them for more than 2 days cause it was just so draining.


I dunno.  I feel so awkward.
Even at the party tonight, I felt a little out of the loop. Even though I understood the jokes and the humor and such, I still felt like I was missing something.


I wish I was around those people more.  My throat is literally dry and a little sore from laughing so hard and so much.  I miss that feeling.


Another thing too that I was so aware of was my stomach and how big and bugly it was and it irritates me of how much I ate.  I know it wasn't the usual bloated amount and it was even more minimal now as it was before, but still, I feel disgusting.


I don't want to get to the point where I'm avoiding food out of a legitimate fear of eating.  I have to eat to live.  I just don't wanna live to eat.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Today I have decided to refuse every date-offer that is thrown at me this year.

I know.
It's rather rash.  But I really do mean it.

The notion dawned on me while I was on the treadmill earlier this afternoon and it got me thinking that I'm just wasting my time.  The chances of me running into "him"....whoever he is....is pretty slim to none considering where I reside and my current daily transportation habits.


Every boy (Yes...boy.  They do not deserve to be called MEN) that I have encountered since Arman and I split is just as disappointing as the last one.  I'm surrounded my immature idiots.


I do not want to date.  I do not want a relationship.  I do not want to fall in love.


For the time being, I've decided to be a recluse--an emotional recluse.
No one is getting my heart.  No one.  They can't have it and I won't give it to them and I won't let anyone ever touch it again.


I've also decided to focus on taking care of myself; mentally, spiritually, physically.  Friendly faces have told me that all I do is care for other people, but in doing so, I have neglected myself.


I can see that they are right.  My health has been effected.  My grades too.  My spiritual walk seems to have been hit the hardest.


Right now, this year serves as a time of healing.


If I am to lose weight for anyone, it's not for another person.  It's going to be for me.
If I am to delve more into my biblical studies, it's going to be for me to learn and re-learn the God that I serve and not to prove or show off anything to anyone.


I just want to start over and that's what 2012 feels like for me--a time of redemption.


I want to be much more physically stronger and faster and agile this year.  I want to absorb as much knowledge as possible; either in college or outside of it. Most importantly, I want to drown in the Lord's steadfast love and hold onto every promise and Word that has been written.


In the meantime, I won't look for my husband.  I won't be looking at another man, in fact, I'll be running away from him.  I don't need to be disappointed again.  I don't need to get my hopes up, to wait with anticipation, only to be betrayed and abandoned and used again.


I'm going to train myself into becoming the right woman before I ever meet the right man.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

If you plan to read this, I warn you that much of the material here will actually be quite a bore.  There is no sex.  There is no swearing or cussing of any kind.  There won't be any lewd pictures here if that is more to your liking.

In all honesty, I do this because sometimes I feel I have no one to talk to, no one who really understands me.  So I voice out what I feel through written (or rather, typed) words.

If there is anything to be said about me, let it be this:  I am no one special.  I doubt I'll discover anything, write anything popular, or create something worthwhile while I live and breathe.  I doubt anyone will really remember my name or even my face.  I'm rather ordinary and not much to look at in face or in bodily form.  I don't have very many talents and the ones that I do possess seem more like curses rather than blessings.

Although I lack many things, the one that I actually do have, however, is eternal life with Jesus Christ.  And it's a constant struggle every day to think, to speak, to act, and react just like Him.


It grieves me (though it shouldn't), that I struggle as hard as I do.  But Christ never promised that it'd be easy.  Following Him, is and will always be the easiest and yet, the hardest thing to do as a resident of Earth.


I'll never be rid of the imperfections that haunt me, and yet, I can wholly fall on Him and His perfection.  I'd rather rely on that than my own power anyway.


In fact, the reason behind the title of this blog ties into what I'm talking about now.  Christ is coming back soon and it will be quick; in the blink of an eye.


What my role is and what I'm suppose to do right now still baffles me.  Quite frankly, I don't know.  I don't know what I'm suppose to do while I'm at home or at school or at work.  I don't know what exactly it is that I should be learning or practicing.


I know I should be doing something, but I don't know what.  I expect to be doing something important and exciting and yet I'm stuck at home most of the time.


Perhaps though, my important role for now is to be at home...to take care of the family, the house and everything in it.  Part of me doesn't see it as very important, but although there is a bit of doubt in my step, I'll still take it.


There's a reason for my position here as a caretaker.  Instead of complaining, I should embrace it.  After all, everything is a gift from the Lord.  I should be thankful in all circumstances.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 "...give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 

It's not an option either.  It's a command. I should really stop being a pessimist and just pray.